The funniest thing happened to me the other day, I ran into someone from my past. At first I was a bit apprehensive, but I remained polite. My mind wandered on how I always had mix feelings for this person. I always admired how she concerned herself with my well being, and how she never lacked affection.
I reminisced about the long peaceful evenings cuddling and sharing ideas and dreams. Then I was reminded of the reckless and childish behavior that pushed me away. It’s funny though, seeing her now after all those years with what appears to be a new level of maturity and decorum. I was intrigued.
We agreed to keep in contact. Over a short period of time, I vigilantly studied my newly found significant other, although she was from my past.
Her demeanor is different now; even her poses and gestures are new. Her renewed gracefulness was alluring to my eye and I was captivated, yet cautious.
Yes, a lot has changed over the course of time. I decided to finally let my guard down and embrace the present, only to find something totally out of place.
She has now become career driven, and has no time for quiet evenings with insightful conversations. She has lost her zeal to comfort and nurture a man’s spirit. She is independent and self-sufficient, no longer waiting for my endorsement of her endeavors.
Yes, I am proud of her, but in all of the modifications and pronounced growth, she has changed the essence of who I fell in love with. She has grown in stature, but not spirit. She has matured financially, but not in character. She has mastered the art of persuasion, but not in forgiveness. She has overcome insecurities, but not mental baggage. She has gained a new respect from her peers, but not from my heart. I now know that all the little things I fell in love with have now been outgrown, and with that growth I have no choice but to leave my past love alone.
Now here is how it all started. You sit in your room all alone with your face in your hands contemplating. How is it that after all this time, the person who you would love to forget, decides to contact you?
You pause as the familiar number comes across the caller ID. The phone rings once, twice and you can feel your pulse racing. On the third ring you find yourself helplessly answering with longing in your voice. You are greeted with a voice that you know so well. Your speech becomes evasive and your hands start to fidget. Finally you compose yourself and ask the question that immediately comes to mind. “Why are you calling me after so long?” You are silent, yet you anxiously await an answer. You both know why, but if she admit it first then it is not on your conscience.
“So, what are you doing?” Silence fills the conversation as unspoken intimacy is aroused as they question, “Nothing, why you want to do something?” You both wait for the forbidden response. “That sounds good.” In less than forty-five minutes of your conversation, you find yourself entangled in the embrace of a sensuous force that has exploited you one too many times.
Why is it that you can’t seem to resist the urge of flesh? Knowingly, you allow the temptation to consume your very being, leaving you in a familiar state of guilt.
The force that has always left you broken and distraught in the past, is now satisfying your present need for companionship and that force is taking precedent over all else. Your immediate gratification has been met, but you feel empty. You reminisce on past encounters and realize the relentless cycle that you have subjected yourself to and you can’t help but feel cheap.